"How can anyone who is able to enjoy the beauties of a Virgil, a Tasso, a Shakespeare, who can follow the logical conclusions of a Liebnitz and Kant--how can such a one find pleasure in the Old Testament, so deficient in form and taste, and in the senseless writings of the Talmud?"
-Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Dunkin' Donuts Dude Dies


Michael Vale aka The Dunkin' Donuts Hitler Impersonator

1922-2005

-Q | 8:47 AM | 0 comments |


Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Sufganidougnut

A sufganiya is a doughnut. It is the Hebrew word for doughnut. The entire year everyone in English speaking countries call them doughnuts. On Hanukkah, for some reason, the doughnuts seem to be imbued with cosmic power and can no longer be called doughnuts. No, they have elevated status now. Now they are suganiyote.

Start talking Herbew full time or call them what they are.

They are DOUGHNUTS, damn it.

-Q | 12:09 PM | 0 comments |


Rating - Jack and Coke

Most sites I've seen online recommend a 1:5 ratio of Jack Daniels to Coke. I would like you to try 1 part ice, 3 parts Jack, and 1 part Coke. It is excellent.

-Q | 11:56 AM | 0 comments |


Friday, December 23, 2005

Dec 23! Happy Festivus!

(George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)
ELAINE: What?
GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it..
JERRY: When George was growing up..
GEORGE: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!
JERRY: His father..
GEORGE: No!
JERRY: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
ELAINE: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
GEORGE: (pleading) Alright..
JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so)
GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!
JERRY: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
(Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)
GEORGE: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! Are you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
GEORGE: Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)


JERRY: Happy Festivus!
KRAMER: What's Festivus?
JERRY: When George was growing up..
GEORGE: (Interrupting) No!
JERRY: His father..
GEORGE: Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
(Elaine enters while George is exiting)
ELAINE: Happy Festivus, Georgie.
(George leaves yelling out "God!")
KRAMER: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!


[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
FRANK: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
KRAMER: Well, just tell me everything, huh?
FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized
there had to be another way!
KRAMER: What happened to the doll?
FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.
FRANK: She was.


FRANK: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
KRAMER: Is there a tree?
FRANK: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
KRAMER: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
FRANK: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.


KRAMER: No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
MANAGER: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.
KRAMER: But it's Festivus.
MANAGER: What?
KRAMER: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..
MANAGER: That's not a right.


(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)
KRAMER: Well, Happy Festivus.
GEORGE: What is that? Is that the pole?!
FRANK: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.
GEORGE: (Sulking) That's why I hate it.
KRAMER: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.
FRANK: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)
FRANK: Read that poem.
GEORGE: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
FRANK: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
ESTELLE: Leave him alone!
FRANK: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
(George has a break down)
GEORGE: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
FRANK: We had some good times.


KRUGER: George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
GEORGE: Well, there could be.
KRUGER: But there isn't.
GEORGE: Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
KRUGER: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
GEORGE: Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
KRUGER: Vemonous?
GEORGE: Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
KRUGER: Are you making all this up, too?
GEORGE: Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
KRUGER: Yeah, you probably should.


[Setting: The Costanza's house]
GEORGE: Happy Festivus!
FRANK: George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?
GEORGE: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
FRANK: Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
GEORGE: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
FRANK: He's gonna see it.
(Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam)
GEORGE: Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
ELAINE: I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
GEORGE: Embracing my roots.
JERRY: They nailed you on the 20 G's?
GEORGE: Busted cold.
(Cut to Kruger and Frank)
(They're looking at the Festivus pole)
FRANK: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.
KRUGER: I find your belief system fascinating.


FRANK: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
GEORGE: Oh, God.
FRANK: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.


FRANK: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
GEORGE: Not the feats of strength..
FRANK: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
JERRY: I thought you were on strike?
KRAMER: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
GEORGE: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
(Exit Kramer)
KRUGER: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?
FRANK: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!
GEORGE: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
FRANK: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)
ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie!
GEORGE: Oh, come on! Be sensible.
FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!
GEORGE: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
FRANK: This is the best Festivus ever!

Festivus on Wiki

Festivus Fan

The REAL story of festivus

-Q | 12:11 PM | 0 comments |


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Make Money Easy!

1- Go to NYC today(during the Transit Strike)
2- Get a rickshaw
3- Charge people large sums of money for a ride.

This will work very well in tourist areas where you can probably charge 15 dollars a block! For more information visit the Atlantic City Boardwalk.

-Q | 2:03 PM | 0 comments |


Monday, December 19, 2005

Flipping the Flop

George W. Bush October 27, 2004:
"...And a political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your Commander-in-Chief."
George W. Bush December 14, 2005:
"It is true that much of the intelligence turned out to be wrong, as president, I am responsible for the decision to go into Iraq."

-Q | 2:11 PM | 0 comments |


Christian Kosher

The first time I heard someone explain Kosher as "food the Rabbi blessed" I was a little taken back. I have never heard this explanation of Kosher before (I live in NY. Screw you).

I was in a far away land at a hotel requesting a Kosher meal. The lady behind the counter phoned the kitchen and asked if there were any meals that the Rabbi blessed available. My wife and I had a private chuckle and moved on.

Recently, a co-worker was inquiring about Kosher and there happened to be a bottle of water with the Kof-K on it. I pointed out the sign and explained that this sign and signs like it let me know which products are Kosher. She said: "oh, that's how you know the Rabbi blessed it". I asked her where she got that from and apparently, children in Sunday school during the 60's (at least) were taught this.

Ok, dear Christians young and old, here is the deal. Kosher is NOT a product the Rabbi blessed. Kosher is a set of laws that determine if a product is fit for Jewish consumption. For example: Pig is NOT kosher and never will be kosher no matter how many times the rabbi does voodoo to it. Kosher steak is from a cow that was slaughtered and prepared in accordance to Jewish law.

More info on kosher can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kosher

-Q | 1:33 PM | 3 comments |


Monday, December 12, 2005

Ice Curling

I watched curling yesterday on Fox. It was part of many "ice sports" they displayed during the "Ice Sports 2005" show (others events included toboggan, etc). It seems like it could be a very cool game except that it is so incredibly boring. I can tolerate one round, but two rounds is much too much.

It is shuffleboard on ice. It seems to have a lot of physics involved. It is really dull.

Games that are good on ice: Hockey, Ice Hockey, Hockey Fights, Fighting During Ice Hockey, Coed Naked Ice Hockey, Fighting During Coed Naked Ice Hockey, and a few others.

-Q | 5:22 PM | 0 comments |


Beef With Broccoli

I had too much Chinese food last night. Almost 18 hours later and I still feel fleishig. ughh...

-Q | 12:56 PM | 0 comments |


I'm Dreaming Of A White Chanukah

When I drive home from work, I see all the pretty lights and decorations all over houses. I see electric reindeer bobbing their heads and nativity scenes complete with wise men. Some houses are overdone and presumably have huge electric bills, while others just have a few lights or a plastic Santa gracing their lawn. It is very clear that Xmas is upon us.

The Christian world prominently displays their affection for Jesus and Xmas. They let everyone know that the birth of their savior is here. You can't not know. From walking down the street, driving to work, turning on the TV or radio, and getting popup ads on your computer. They are all Xmas related.

So here is my problem. It's not with them, it's with us. The command to light a menorah is so that all will see and remember the miracle that happen to the Jews. It is to show the world that our God, is the most powerful being and watches over His people. It commemorates the defeat of the Greco-Syrians by the Maccabees and the oil that lasted, eight, when there was only enough oil for one. If the whole purpose is to Glorify the Miracle, I don't think we are doing a good job.

Our little candelabras are nice. They sit in our windows and on the tables of our communities. They let passers by remember the miracle and those in our house recall the amazement. But is that enough? Yes, it could be that the miracle is just for us. It is possible that the only people that need to see the menorah and remember is ourselves and not the world. But wouldn't it be great for the entire world to start recognizing God? Shouldn't we seize this opportunity to glorify Him and let the world know?

It's 2005. We have so many resources and outlets. Maybe our menorahs just aren't enough anymore. I move for Chanukah lights to decorate our houses and gigantic blow-up lawn menorahs. Everyone will see and know about the miracle then. Do we really want to rely solely on Adam Sandler and his Hanukah song on z100 every year to spread the word?

-Q | 11:15 AM | 0 comments |


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Baruch Dayan Emes!

A blog seems to have closed recently.

http://heshyshouse.blogspot.com/

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

-Q | 4:02 PM | 0 comments |


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Market Research

Last night I went to my local grocery store to pick up dinner for the week. On a Monday night, the store is close to empty and it is very easy to do a quick shopping. In the store there were a handful of people. One woman and five gentlemen. Only two of the five men had shopping carts. Three passed on the shopping cart and were holding all of their groceries in their arms. Multiple bottles of soda, meat, chicken, etc. All of the men had a cell phone in one hand. I would say they were all talking to their wives on the phone for they all had confused looks. Personally, I passed the same man six times as he circled around a aisle. The two men with the carts, who I am sure are just fine drivers, need some serious shopping-cart-drivers-ed. They bounced into things, ricocheted off of displays, toppled cans, and almost mowed down that one ladies daughter.

We can remember who had the most hits in 1973 (Pete Rose with 230) but can't remember if their wife said "chunk tuna" or "solid tuna".
We can maneuver a car into a tight spot but can't handle a shopping cart in wide aisles.
We can spend hours doing research to find the best computer, but can't spend 3 seconds to see if the tomato we picked up is squished, moldy, and bug infested.

I ask the readers to add more "We Can's"

-Q | 1:40 PM | 1 comments |